Any guy who gets mad enough to use violence or intimidation on his girlfriend has an anger control disorder. it's as if he has a "Hot Switch" that he flips on suddenly and the switch triggers a complete change in his personality. Once you see it in a guy you care about, you'll remember it forever.
As soon as the Hot Switch is trned on, some guys say mean and hurtful things, and others break stuff--often their girlfriend's precious possessions. There are guys who shake girls, twist their arms or pull their hair--not really hard, not at first, but enough to get the point across. All of those actions are calculated to firghten and intimidate.
The anger has a cycle. After the guy does something really rotten, over the next few days he's usually extra sweet--for a while. He does all the special things he did in the first few weeks of the relationship.
But even then, there's still a catch. The Hot Switch boyfriend blames the girl for his anger, "You should have been on time" "You shouldn't have talked to Ben. You know how I get when I lose my temper." He makes it her fault.
The Hot Switch boyfriend's central message is "You make me mad and I'm likely to hurt you somehow--so don't make me mad." he may apologize the next day, but if a girl sees her boyfriend thro the "hot switch" twice, she's sure to see it again-and it gets worse, not better.
The angery outburtsts get more violent. The "sweet periods" in between become shorter. Once the pattern is established, even getting out of the relationship can be dangerous--some "hot switch" guys are driven to serious, frightful rage when their girlfriends leave them.


MICHELLE'S STORY
Michelle never had the greatest self-confidence, but Anthony could make her feel really special. They'd only known each other a couple of days, and he was calling her twice a night, and bringing her little presents. he was almost too romantic, but the excitement of being in love convinced her that everything would be OK.
And everything was OK--it was better than OK, it was perfect--except for a problem that cropped up after they'd been going out for a few weeks.
Every now and then, Anthony would get really mad, and do something mean. The first time it happened, they were at a party, Anthony was talking with some friends, and Michelle rand into Ben, a guy she had liked in junior high.
Anthony blew up when he saw them talking. he insisted on leaving that very minute, and when they were at the car, he pushed Michelle up against the window, and yelled right in her face. he didn't hit her, but it scared her a lot.
On the way home, Michelle found herself apologizing to Anthony, and promising that she'd never talk to Ben again. She felt strange as she said the words, but it calmed Anthony down, and right then calm felt like what she needed.
The next day, Anthony was sorry about losing his temper, but Michelle mad a mental note to be careful around other guys. She'd seen Anthony's temper flare, and it scared her. Why risk losing him by making him mad?
Another time, Michelle had Anthony waiting 10 minutes while seh got ready for one of their dates. She knew Anthony would be upset. he fumed and while driving to the movie, he hit 80 miles per hour, lurched the car from lane to lane and cut off other drivers.
Later, when Anthony calmed down, he admitted that he sholdn't have been driving so fast, but explained that he was really mad. "You should have been ready on time! You know how I hate being late."
And Michelle saw her part in the problem,and again she found herself saying she was sorry too. "I'll really try to be on time."
Michelle worried all the time about disappointing Anthony. In the beginning he made her feel so beautiful, like a princess. At first, she loved being on a pedestal, but these days he was constantly putting her down.
He commented that she was too skinny--"real women have curves" he'd tell her, when she was wearing a new outfit. And he had little ways of making her feel like she wasn't good enough. Michelle's self-esteem was on the skids. Now she had two main worries in life--how to hang on her relationship with Anthony, and how to keep him from getting mad.
She never told anybody about the night Anthong gave her the black eye. She told her parents that she stumbled on the stairs. She told her friends that it was an accident. She told herself that it was her own fault, that she shouldn't have called Anthony when he was "out with the guys." And she told him she was sorry and she'd never do it again.
By now, the stage was set, and Michelle was in big trouble. She only came to see me because her friends talked her into it. They could see what was happening but Michelle just felt confused and worried all the time.
In fact, Anthony figured out that Michelle's friends didn't like him, and he wanted her to stop haning around with them. And that was when the light started going on in Michelle's head. Maybe, just maybe, the best friends she'd had since third grade actually knew her better than this guy she'd been dating for 3 months.
It was their friendship that helped Michelle start finding herself again. Once that happened she was well on the road back to safety.
Michelle was trying to control Anthony's temper for him, by not doing anything to make him mad, instead of breaking up because he had a bad temper and was a bully. She had accepted blame for Anthony's anger, and that made her feel like she was responsible for all the mean things he did and said to her.
"If I could only be a better girlfriend," Michelle told herself, "things would be perfect for Anthony and me."
But there's a rule in relationships. Nobody can control another person's emotions--you just end up letting their emotions control you.
Finally, with couseling and the support of her friends, Michelle was able to make the decision to break up with Anthony. Through therapy, she was able to see how she was letting HIS anger control HER life.
Anythony got mad, and Michelle avoided her old boyfriends. Anthony got made and Michelle made sure she was always ready when he came to get her. Anthony got mad , and Michelle stopped talking to her friends--because they didn't like the way he treated her. Anthony got mad and hit her, and Michelle made excuses and told lies to cover for him. Anthony got mad, and Michelle's social circle got smaller and smaller--until there was nobody there but Anthony and her. And he still got mad.
In therapy, Michelle completed the "Hot Switch Boyfriend" checklist. Right away, she could tell that Anthony had a major hot switch. He didn't have just one or two of the characteristics, he had most of them.
She didn't like to think about it, but she could see the intensity of his anger building over time, and she recongnized that she might be in danger.

Toxic guys promise to change their behavior, but they almost never do. In fact, Hot Switch boyfriends apologize and promise to be better every time they lose control and fire off on their girlfriends. They want to, they inted to, but they dont.
Abusive guys hardly ever change, because they cycle of violence and control is deeply embedded in their thoughts and feelings about how males and females interact.
Once a pattern of abuse is established, it takes long periods of treatment for the guy to change. Even afterward they may lose control again. Your best hope is to recognize the abusive boyfriend early.
If your boyfriend has a hot switch, you must act quickly to protect yourself, and perhaps help him as well.

1. Frist, urge him to go for counseling. He is trapped, and needs help getting out. Do a favor for your Hot Switch boyfriend, especially if you really care about him. Tell him to get help. Tell him why you are unwilling to continue the relationship.
2. Then, break off the relationship, right way, no matter what he promises or threatens. Abusive guys grow up to become abusive men. They promise to change, but they can't deliver on their promises. They only learn when forced to recognize how serious the problem really is.
3. If you worry about having the courage, or if you're scared that your boyfriend might be angry enough to be dangerious, call the Boys Town National Hote line at (800) 448-3000. Counselors are available 24 hours a day with immediate advice about safety, and refer you for ongoing help in your area. The call is FREE.
4. Once you're out, don't look back. Maybe he'll get better, and maybe he won't, but you owe it to yourself to seek out a healthy, loving relationship.

MAD LOVE

There are some common mental notes that girls in toxic relationships often make. Girls with Hot Switch Boyfriends often recognize these patterns.
**What you may be thinging: "I'm so lucky to have him--Sure, he points out my weaknesses, and sometimes it hurts--but a girl like me has to expect some negative feedback."
**What's really going on: He's undermining your self-confidence, with all those put-downs. Pretty soon, you believe you're so unattractive that only he could possibly tolerate you.
**What you may be thinking: "Sure, he can be insensitive, but things have been tough for him. He needs someone to REALLY love him."
**What's really going on: You're hoping for things that won't ever happen. Guys tend to be on their best behavior at the start of a relationship--this is as good as it gets. If he's unkind ealry on, it's unrealistic to think things will change for the better. The ability to develop warm, trusting realtionships is developed in the first three years of life. If he thinks violence and intimidation are part of caring relationships, chancers are he missed out on some very basic lessons about love. You can't fix him. he needs his own therapist, not a long-suffering girlfriend.
**What you may be thinking: "My friends don't like him, but they just don't understand what's special about our love. They say he's bad for me, that they don't like what they see happening to me. They just don't understand."
**What's really going on: Your life is being run by a guy who's a control freak. Your friends can see that--and you don't want to so you start shutting them out. Your world is getting smaller and smaller.
**What's you may be thinking: "If I lose him, my life will be over. His love is the best thing I'll ever have. Sure, he's hard on me sometimes ,but it's worth it."
**What's really going on: You've lost your perspective. The most important thing to remember is that you're at a point in your life when you can learn a lot about what you want from a relationship rather than settling for the first one you're part of.