If you didn't know her, you might think 16 year old Brittany* had it all together. She's really cute, in a Sandra Bullock kind of way, with swingy brown hair and a smile that can light up a room. You'd think she'd never had one moment of slef-doubt. But she keeps a secret tucked inside of her, a secret of shame, sadness and loss. Here is her story.

*Names and identifying details have been changed.

BRITTANY'S STORY

This is really hard for me to talk about. Whenever I think back on all that's happened, I feel these waves of grief. Like someone died or something. And I want to go back and try to fix it, change the whole story so that it has a different ending, a happy ending. But I can't do that. I used to pray that I'd wake up and be my old self again. But then I'd run into him somewhere. Or someone would mention his name. Or I'd just see a car like his, and I'd fall apart.

Sometimes, my eyes would tear up and I could squeeze them shut and swallow hard and kind of swallow the pain and be OK. But other times, I couldn't shut it off that easily. Like one day at school. I was sitting there in biology, and I saw him pass by in the hall. I saw him for, what?, a millisecond? And I lost it. I had to be excused. I went to the girls' bathroom and closed myself up in a stall and leaned against the door and just cried. Total sobbing. Those giant, heaving sobs, like when you can't even catch your breath. I felt so stupid, but I couldn't get a grip. And then my face was all read and splotchy, and I looked like I'd been beaten up or something. And I guess I had been, in a way, beaten up from the inside. It's hard to make that kind of hurt go away. It's not like I even want to be with him again. I mean, I did for a while, but now I just want to put it all behind me. I want it all to be like ancient history. or not even history. I want it to be like it never happened at all. I wished I could just take a giant eraser, and erase the whole thing from my life.


TRYING TO CONNECT

"I think things started to unravel when my family moved. We built this house that was like a mile from our old house, and we moved at the end of my freshman year. When I was a freshman, I was really popular. I was on student council, and I was a junior varsity cheerleader and I had a great boyfriend named Hayes. He was really good to me. Even though he wanted us to have sex, he never pressured me. And at that time, having sex was like the last thing on my mind. I never even considered it.

Then, during that summer, before my sophomore year, the school district's got changed, and that fall, I had to go to a different high school where I knew only about two people. Even though I tried to make friends and get involved in stuff at my new school, it just didn't come that easily for me. It was like everybody was already in their groups. I couldn't find a niche, you know, where I felt accepted. I ate lunch by myself a lot. I was really lonely. I went to some club meetings, but nobody would really talk to me that much. I felt like I was invisible. I'd try to get together with some friends from my old school, but it's like I didn't really fit in with them anymore either. And I guess I didn't want them to know what a hard time I was having at my new school, so I didn't really reach out to them. Then Hayes andI started having problems because we couldn't see each other that much. And when we were together, I was always so bummed out that he didn't really know how to handle it. So we broke up the last week in September. And over the next couple of weeks, I sort of gave up on myself, on my chances of being popular. And then in October, I met Tad.

I had never felt that kind of attraction before in my life! He had wavy brown hair and brown, sort-of-flirty eyes and these shoulds that went on for miles. He played soccer, so he was really in shape. I could just look at him and melt. He had Spanish right before I did, and I always passed him coming out of the room where the class was. At first, we just smiled at each other. And then one day he said, "hi," and then pretty soon we were meeting there between classes and talking. It was the highlight of my day. Every morning when I woke up, I thought about when I would see Tad and that gave me energy, you know, to get up and get going. All morning, I'd think about stuff I could say to him. And then after we'd talked, I'd feel pumped up and that would help me get through the rest of the day.

One day when we were talking, he invited me to eat lunch with him. I thought it was just going to be us, but he showed up with two of his friends, Ward and Peter. They were juniors like him; they were on the soccer team too, and we walked over to this deli. They were pretty wild, you know, kind of loud and acting crazy. I remember, Tad pulled me on his lap. I was kind of nervous, but at the same time I was so happy, almost delirious. It felt so good just to be close to him and be eating lunch with other people. I was like a sponge. I was just soking up the attention. I ended up paying for everybody's lunch. After that, I ate lunch with Tad, Ward and Peter every day. I wouldn't say much. But I'd smile a lot and laugh at their jokes. Sometimes, they'd ask me personal stuff, like what size bra I wore and did it hook in the front or the back. Or'd they'd ask me how far I'd gone with a boy. When I look back on it, I realize that these guys didn't know how to act around girls. But at the time, I thought they were really experienced. They were older. They were cute. I guess I thought I was privileged, you know, to hang out with them.


CROSSING THE LINE

Things started moving really fast. Tad started calling me up late at night. We'd try to speak Spanish to each other. He'd sing me these James Taylor sons. He's ask me questions about Hayes, like if he was a good kisser. And then he'd tell me about this girl name Vallie that he used to go with. I'd met her at school. She was really pretty. Tad told me about how they had had sex. he said how fun it was, but that Vallie just couldn't let herself go. She was too uptight.

One night, I went out with Tad and Peter and Ward. We just rode around and went to a couple of parties and then we ate at this pancake place. Later, after they dropped me off, Tad threw rocks at my bedroom window, and then he climbed up the gutter, onto the roof and into my room. my parents weren't there; they were at the symphony, but I didn't tell Tad that. We talked real quietly, and then he turned off the light and stood real close to me. I let him kiss me and unbutton the top of my nightgown. Then he tried to get me to unhook his belt buckle, but I wouldn't. I wanted to in a way, but I was scared. He begged me to let him lie down on the bed next to me, but I wouldn't do that either. he said I wasn't any fun, and I remember what he'd said about Vallie being uptight. I wanted him to think I was fun so that he'd want to be with me.

The next weekend, I went out with Tad and his friends again. This time, they got some beer and we went out to this field near the airport. We all got out and were lying on the hood of Ward's jeep, watching the planes come in from a landing right over our heads. The sky would be pitch dark, and then you'd hear this roar and see this huge jet all lit up right over your head, like it was so close you could reach out and touch it. It was unreal.


HOLDING ON

The next few days were kind of weird because it's like this incredibly huge thing had happened to me and yet nothing else had changed. Those crappy feelings hadn't gone away. If anything, I felt worse. I couldn't make sense of it all. Tad was still nice to me and stuff, but it's like something had shifted between us. he didn't look at me the same way anymore. maybe it was my imagination, but it seemed like he didn't look at me at all. He looked sort of past me or through me, like I wasn't there.

At the same time, my interest in him grew even stronger. Even though I was beginning to make some girlfriends at school, I started feeling really dependent on Tad. I saw him talking to Vallie once, in front of her locker, and I thought I was going to die. he had his arm around her waist, and he was kind of tickling her, and I felt like a million knives were stabbing me all over. I was mad, but I felt like I didn't have a right to be mad. Tad hadn't promised me anything. I'd just assumed that we'd be together because we'd had sex. But obviously, he didn't feel the same way. I felt so used, so worthless. Like a piece of trash. I couldn't believe that Tad could've said all those things to me and then tossed me aside. Was all that just a big act so he could get me to have sex with him? Or had he really liked me, and then I blew it by letting him get too close?

I think maybe he was surprised that I had given in to him, even though that's what he wanted. I think maybe he liked the challenge of trying to get me to have sex more than he liked actually having sex. And I guess I wasn't much of a challenge anyway, so he sort of lost interest. Two of my new firends, Mollie and Dana, told me to forget about him. They said he wasn't worth what I was putting myself through, but I couldn't let go.

I became really clingy, calling him up all the time and crying if he couldn't meet me somewhere or see me. I constantly tried to figure out where he was. One night I was driving around with Mallie and Dana, and I saw his car parked in front of Vallie's house. I went crazy imagining that he was up in her room, saying to her what he'd said to me. Telling her how beautiful she was. Making her feel the way he'd made me feel. I was crying so bad I could hardly see the road to drive. Another time, I showed up at this party where he was. This stupid Janet Jackson song was playing, and I got right up in his face and started dancing real suggestively, hanging all over him, singing real loud in his ear. I'm sure everybody thought I'd lost it, but I didn't care. I was trying to win him back, get him to look at me the way he used to. I know I was going about it all wrong. I should've just acted like he didn't mean anything to me, but I couldn't do that. I didn't know how.

We ended up having sex again, twoce. Both times I was the one who initiated it. One time was at Peter's house after school. The other time was at my house, in my room. I really regret that time especially because whenever I look at my bed that's what I think about. That will never go away. It's so weird how something like sex, which is supposed to bring two people closer, can actually drive a wedge between them.

I thought having sex would make my life better, but it didn't. Thinkgs went from bad to worse because at least when I was a virgin I had that. But after I lost my virginity, well, I guess I felt like I didn't have anything else to offer Tad or anybody because I'd already given away the most precious thing that I had.

LOOKING BACK

Mollie was the one who finally talked me into going to a school counselor after Christmas break. That's when I knew things were just out of control. I'd ended up sleeping with this other guy, Marty, from my old school on New Year's Eve. It's like I didn't want Tad to be the only guy I'd slept with; I didn't want him to be so special, and so I got together with Marty. That's how warped I was. But the couselor helped me sort of put together the pieces of what had happeneed. She helped me deal with all the guilt and stuff that I was feeling. It's been over a year now, and things are better. I can actually have a conversation with Tad and not break down. I don't even blame him so much for what happened anymore. I do think he took advantage of me. He smooth-talked me into doing something I wasn't ready for. I was at a very vulnerable place, and I was looking to him to make it all better, but he couldn't. He took something from me that I'll never be able to get back. But he also taught me something. That being self-assured, feeling good about who I am, has to come from the inside. Nobody can make me feel secure but me.

"I'm on the gymnastics team at school now, and I was elected to the homecoming court and the National Honor Society. That meant a lot to me, but I'm still not completely over what happened. I have a hard time dating guys because I think that they know I'm not a virgin and that's why they're with me. I mean, I still sometimes feel like I'm the scum of the earth. There's this little voice inside of me that's like my cheerleader. She keeps trying to convince me that I'm OK. That I'm still a good person. But when I look in the mirror it's not always her voice I hear. Sometimes it's a nagging, critical voice.

I wish I could go back in time and change stuff that's happened. I'd give anything if I could just go back to the first day at my new school. I'd really try harder to make friends and not expect to fit in overnight. I'd reach out more. I think I'd be more honest about how hard all the changes were for me instead of pretending that everything was OK.

I'd like to go back to that night in the woods with the planes going overhead. I wouldn't have gone anywhere near that sleeping bag. NO! What I really like to do is to go back to that first night I let Tad come in my room. I wouldn't have let things go so far.


IF YOU'RE THINGING ABOUT BECOMING SEXUALLY ACTIVE...

Sex doesn't always bring two people closer. And if you'relooking for sex to help you to feel an emotional closeness with someone, you may be disappointed. Rather than creating emotional intimacy, sex can destroy it-especially if you have sex with someone before you're ready. Many teens report feelings of anger, lost and sadness after engaging in sexual activity. They may feel hurt, cold or diminished in some way. A painful early experience can take years to recover from and influence your feelings about sex for the rest of your life. Becoming sexually active is a personal decision, and it's important that you choose your first sexaul experience carefully. "There's no such thing as a sexual emergency," stresses Jackson Rainer, Ph.D., a psychologist at the Brookwood Center for Psycholotherapy in Atlanta. If you're thinging about having sex, you should take your time and make sure that you're prepared to handle the possible consequences of becoming sexually active. These consequences include experiencing a sense of loss or shame, as well as becoming pregnant or contracting HIV or some other sexually transmitted disease.


IF YOU'VE ALREADY HAD SEX AND YOU WISH YOU HADN'T......

Though you might want to put the whole thing behind you and move on, it's important to examine exactly what happened and why. Did you have sex to try to get--or hang on to--a relationship? Did you do it because you felt everyone else was? Did you think it would be your ticket to cool? Or did someone pressure you?

While you can't undo what happened, you can explore the impact of a negative sexual experience and, in the process, shake off some of the pain associated with it. Once you recognize your motivation for having sex, you can better see what your values are and how you make have compromised them. Then you can begin to rebuild your moral code or your ideas about what you're willing and not willing to do. "Rather than give yourself a hard time," suggests Dr. Rainer, "look for the meaning in what happened." By exploring your role in the situation, you're less likely to repeat the activity that made you feel bad about yourself, and you can begin to look for new, healthier ways to get what you need.